Something.....

It's been one of those weekends. I've been up and down like a yoyo at Alton Towers. I don't know what to make of my own mood... like right now I'm searching for predebs photos while listening to Faure's Requiem (best Requiem ever by the way), what is wrong with me? I didn't even know whether or not I felt like writing a blog: one minute I'd be all up for it and the next I wouldn't have the energy or interest. Not that I feel I have nothing about which to write, it's just that my mind's all over the place, totally restless. So I'll try my best to keep this moving and coherent and not whiny.

I had decided that this weekend was to be a very 'getting things done' weekend; chemistry notes were to be written up, Christmas presents were to be bought, study for exams was to be at least attempted, and merriment was to be had at the predebs (though not so much that I'd regret it the next morning). Alas, it didn't quite evolve in the way I had hoped it would... all I can really say is that I got good and pissed at the prebs, but considering my capacities that's hardly admirable or surprising.

Like I guess I had a good weekend on paper, but between the periods of fun I was in a state of total gloom... I think sometimes my expectations of people are too high. But then I second guess myself, thinking that maybe I'm just used to going along with what other people want all the time because I don't have the confidence to do my own thing so I don't speak out when people are treating you like a piece of shit. I'm in one of those moods when you're longing for a really nice, relaxed hang-out with friends, but everyone's off doing other things, and whenever you're around anyone anyway they just piss you off, and you them. It's times like these you ask yourself panicked questions like 'Do I have any real friends? Like I know I have friends, but do I really have any of those friends that you can always turn to when time are tough, the ones you see in movies, like who spat on their hands as children and joined them together and promised they'd always be friends etc.' and feel like you're drifting away in this slow inevitable movement from everyone you once felt close to...

OMFG I AM SOOOOOOOOO EMO LOIKE!!!!!!!

It had to be said... But ye, I really should be able to explain myself, to reference whatever events set me off on this self-absorbed rant (or is it a spell of clear thinking? See, I really couldn't tell you. But I'll stop now) however I'm finding this difficult. It's probably just a tumult of lots of things, the time of year, looming exams, everybody feeling stressed out... I've just got this overwhelming feeling of longing for something I can't even identify. I try to fill it with food, with t.v, with conversation, with exercise, with study even, with... other, offbeat things... but it's like the hopes I bring to every task that this will be the one thing that will bring me back to normal make everything futile to begin with.

I want something new, something wild, something fresh, something crazy, something altogether different, something I've never thought of, something I've never experienced, someone who'll really get me, something that'll take my mind off everything, something inspirational, something enriching, something that I'll need, something that'll need me, something that'll make me feel close to something, something that'll make me feel achievement, something that'll demand all of my attention. blaffhjgjjhghjghjgjh!!!!!!!!!